To tell, or not to tell?

Lately, things have been getting a bit weird for me. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the way things are happening.

I've always been very good at keeping very quiet about having Asperger's, no matter how tempting it would be to say to someone spewing up some ridiculous cliché about it and showing their ignorance "Hey! Dorkface! I've got Asperger's and guess what? That's absolute tosh!". I'm not sure what it is - I suppose a kind of self-defence mechanism. I'm not an overly private person, in the general sense, but there are some things I like to keep very closely guarded, and AS is one of them.

Over the past few months, however, a few people have found out. It's strange, I really don't know if I'm comfortable with it.

The first was a close friend who, along with my partner, drove me into hospital for a very minor operation a few months back. I was terrified - needlessly, I should add, which I knew - and really didn't cope well. I warned them beforehand, while she was in the room, that I have Asperger's and was very on edge and about to totally lose it and to be warned that it could happen, just so they know. She didn't say anything, but it was one of those strange situations where I didn't want to say it but I had to. Sure enough, I completely lost it when they were about to anaesthetise me - I really can't deal with not knowing what's going on and being in control - and I remember the nurse telling the doctor I had it as I was sitting there screaming, rocking, crying, howling, tearing at my hair... It was such a disempowering moment and I think reminded me of just how vulnerable you can be, and how much Asperger's can take over, regardless of how good you are at the normal act.

The next was a few weeks ago. I was having coffee with a friend and we got onto the topic of special education, which her Downs cousin is about to start. She said something about autism and Aspergers and how much she'd love to know 'how they think, I find it fascinating, I'd love to see the world through their eyes..'. I sort of looked at her and said "Well, it's not that much different, honestly...". She paused for a few moments and then said "Oh wow, really? You? You're really good at covering it up, but yeah, I can see it actually...". I swiftly changed the subject because I was suddenly very uncomfortable with the fact that she was sitting there and she knew, even though she's a very good friend and she really didn't and doesn't care.

Then a week later, I gave my partner a book on Asperger's and relationships that I thought he might like. He's the only person I've ever felt comfortable discussing it with, and he really doesn't care - he's so supportive of me and so sweet with it all (he'll even give me a kick if I start talking 'at' people!), and he's really the only reason I've started to truly accept it as a part of who I am, and that it doesn't make me stupid or retarded or anything else; it's just me. He's been so instrumental in my dealing with it and coming to terms with everything... I can't thank him enough for being so good.

Anyway, I digress. I gave him this book, and he showed his best friend - also one of my best friends - while I was there, very casually. Our friend was like "Oh have you got Asperger's?"
"Uhh... yeah..."
"That's really cool."
"Uhh... yeah... that's why I go a bit funny sometimes..."
"Really? I honestly hadn't noticed!"
"Well, I don't really tell anyone, that whole Rain Man thing has tarnished it a bit I think, everyone will just assume I'm a maths savant which I'm blatantly not!"
"Haha, course not, we all know you can't do maths deary!"

I think that was the kind of reaction I was after. One where they don't bat an eyelid and they're happy to talk about it and joke about it, but it doesn't affect a thing about the friendship. But it's still strange.

I think you just feel vulnerable when someone finds out something about you like that. I don't like people knowing because it's the kind of thing that could potentially, in some way, be used against you. It's a secret I've tried to keep for so long, hidden away from the cruel taunts of the schoolground and the prejudice of employers and ignorant friends, all the way trying so desperately - and succeeding - in learning the proverbial ropes of society and social situations - I don't want it coming out and hurting me. Especially when 'girls don't get Asperger's, let alone adults!'

But the more people find out and don't really care, and the more it doesn't affect friendships at all, the more confident I am with it. I don't mind people knowing so much anymore, because it is a part of me as much as my blonde hair and my crap vision. I just hope everyone is as good about it as these ones have. More than anything, I'm glad that I'm blessed with my other half and that he makes me feel so confident and comfortable with who I am and what I've got.